Crossroads

I feel like I’m a bit of a crossroads.

For once, I really don’t know where to go next. It’s strange. I’m sure plenty of people would see it as exciting, but I see it as fairly unsettling – I like to have a plan. I always like to see the road mapped out in front of me, know what my next steps are, know what happens next.

Sometimes I think, the more options there are, the scarier it is. When you could do anything, how on earth do you decide? How do you know which doors to close?

That isn’t of course to say that I *could* do anything right now. I’m starting to realise that some of those doors closed without me noticing. We get older, we move on, our lives become more complicated, and suddenly there are some things we just can’t do any more.

If I could do anything right now, I’d go away. Go abroad. Just go. Barcelona, Madrid, Rome, Paris – 6 weeks, 6 months, 2 years… who knows! Who cares? You’re young and free and you can do anything you want. The world’s your oyster. Right?

Well, no.

People constantly tell you, do what you love, do what makes you happy, follow your heart and your dreams, the rest will work out for itself. But there reaches a point where you can’t. I can’t drop everything and Bugger Off Abroad, like I kind of always thought I would. Not yet anyway. What to do, when wanderlust meets the real world? Even that word, wanderlust… isn’t it thrilling? It’s magical. It’s exciting. It’s a feeling more than a string of letters. It’s… well, it’s everything.

I don’t know why I can’t just be happy with my lot. We have a great life – we have a lovely flat, lots of friends, our weekends are packed with adventures. Is this just me wishing the grass was greener? I want to live in the moment. But I worry that things will pass me by.

There’s no perfect time for anything. You have to make things happen. You have to choose. Who knows where it will take you? It might be somewhere better. Just because you didn’t plan it, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t love it.

I am a planner who is exhausted by planning. I’m fed up of trying to make my square peg life fit in this round hole. Take a step back. There’s nothing wrong – it’s OK to have dreams. As long as they’re in your heart, you’ll know when it’s time to grab them. That isn’t giving up, that isn’t “settling”.

Life’s an adventure. And the best adventures don’t have maps. Even if I don’t believe that right now, I’m writing this to remind me of that. I need to stop looking over my shoulder wondering how much fun I’d be having if I’d just done X or Y. I’ve had some AMAZING times. Even when I didn’t plan them.

So hopefully this will act as a reminder. Stop living a sliding doors life. Stop looking through the glass. Stop living on pause.┬áStop worrying about WHEN everything is going to happen, just enjoy what’s happening.

Make some choices. It’ll be okay.

Don’t worry that you won’t have time. Don’t worry that you won’t have fun. Don’t worry that you won’t have adventures. You will, and you are.

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